What is it about a lowly legume that makes rational people lose their freaking minds? For those of you that read these posts and have never been to Knot In The Loop or the beautiful hill country of Texas a note of explanation. The state flower of Texas is the Texas Bluebonnet and in certain years when the winter's been cold, BUT, not too cold, and the early spring's been wet, BUT, not too wet and the sun's been warm, BUT not too hot, these finicky little legumes bloom. And let me tell you when that happens the entire state goes berserk. As legumes go they are hands down, the Peacocks of the family tree, and right here in Willow City there are more per square inch of earth than anywhere in the state, but to witness the adulation that the general public bestowes is a thing of wonder, after all they are just a wild Pea.
I didn't know much about Peas several years back. I was about to marry husband #4 or maybe five, when he took me to meet his family. We met in my home state of Colorado, but he was from a fly speck town so far up in the corner of Lou-z-ana that is was really Louzassippi. It wasn't like the Cajun part where people drink and party and show their "Le Grand Chi Chi's" for some Mardi Gras beads. No, to my dismay it was in the uptight, evangelical, we worship snakes part of the state. And to make matters worse for a short haired, smokin, drinkin, Colorado girl, I wore Levi's which horrified his entire family because as I was told by his mother. "Only men wear britches and cut their hair." (Britches! I was starring in a Ma and Pa Kettle movie and role credits was still a week away.) But it was Christmas so I tried my best to fit in and not offend any one. (Too Late) Christmas day Ma made a big dinner and we all sat down, said a prayer to the snake and passed the food. Now food there is a little different and on the table was a platter of brown meat I didn't recognise, so innocent like I said, "Whats that?" And my husband said "Ham" and they're all starin at me. So I said kinda quite-er, "Uh, hams supposed to be pink with pineapple and cherries on it." And they said, "No stupid city-fied girl, Ham is a cut of meat, it's the back leg off that pig we kilt this mornin. What your talkin about is a Cured Ham, an this ain't cured cause it jus got kilt." I took a slice and shut up. Then they passed me a bowl of green vegetables that resembled something, leafy, with alot of bacon grease floating on top, (guess they had time to cure the bacon), so I say "And this is?". And they say "Greens. You do eat greens dont cha." Well actually no, but I kept that to myself and passed the bowl. My soon to be Ex-husband said "heres something you'll like and handed me a bowl of little round brown things. I looked at him kinda blank like and he says "They're Peas!" Now I have eaten peas all my life and they never looked like little brown misshapen blobs, they were always green and perfectly round and I finally spoke up about all this strangeness and his Mom said "What your talkin about is an English pea. These here are Field peas. We don't eat English Peas, cause thats where all those Yankees came from, and we don't cotton to you Yankees too much down here." About then my Levi wearnin rear end rose up from the table and I lost my freakin mind. I said, not so quitely, "Mrs Kettle, I'm from Colorado! We didn't have a dog in that fight." I needed a drink. The next day my intended took me to a local grocery store that I swear was named "The Jitney Jungle". He took me to the canned vegetable aisle and showed me the Peas. Racks and racks of Field Peas, Purple Hull Peas, Crowder Peas, Cow Peas, Black Eyed Peas, Split Peas, Yellow peas and Black Peas. But there wasn't a green pea in the bunch. Then he took me to the "import food section" and low and behold there all by itself was a can of peas, lovely little green Peas. And the lable said, Del Monte English Peas!
So now its "Pea" season in the hill country and by the throngs of touristas wearin us out at the Knot you would think someone saw the face of Mary in a field of Blue Bonnets. And while we are reaping our own harvest in those lovely green tourista dollars our poor well and septic system are overworked and threatning to go on strike. So I put a sign on the door that says:
Public Restrooms Fee Schedule:
Toilet Tissue: 25 cents
Water: 25 cents
Sewage:50 cents
Total $1.00 per pee
FINDING A RESTROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: PRICELESS
Customers Exempt
But still they come, Buses, Mini Vans, Cars, Trucks and Planes all lookin for one thing: Peas and Pees. They line up in front of the bathroom door like they're at the last Jimmy Buffet concert and gush about Peas. And I say "Ladies, please don't block our front door." and they ignore me. And I say "Please put a donation in the donation can." and they ignore me. And then I get my Levi wearin rear end up and say "Look I aint' gonna get in a pissin contest with you about a Pee. Either buy something or give me a dollar." And that usually does it. Guess I have a dog in this fight. I need a drink.
